Relax - You Might NOT Be A Republican
May 22, 2009
By Randall Hoven
...
With all the heavy thinking and breathing going on over "what it means to be Republican," let me provide some light thinking and breathing on the subject.
...
With all the heavy thinking and breathing going on over "what it means to be Republican," let me provide some light thinking and breathing on the subject.
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.
(But not to Colin Powell.)
...
If you supported, endorsed and voted for the Democrat for President, you might not be a Republican.
If you supported, endorsed and voted for the Democrat with the most liberal voting record in the Senate, even to the left of self-described socialist Bernie Sanders, you might not be a Republican.
If you refused to vote for the Republican, a war hero and former POW who had 26 years experience in Congress and one of the more liberal voting records among Republicans in the Senate , because he was too conservative, you might not be a Republican.
If you think we have nothing to learn politically from the Republican who won 49 states and the most electoral votes for President ever in US history, all just 25 years ago, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the trouble with the Republican who cosponsored McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform, McCain-Leiberman global warming legislation, and McCain-Kennedy comprehensive immigration reform is that he is too conservative, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the trouble with the Republican President who signed McCain-Feingold, supported McCain-Kennedy, championed and signed No Child Left Behind, championed and signed prescription coverage under Medicare and increased federal spending over President Clinton's levels across the board, is that he is too conservative, partisan and ideological, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a Republican with published SAT scores that imply an IQ of 125-130, or smarter than 95% of the population and in the range of Lincoln, Rousseau and Thackeray, and who graduated from Yale and then earned an MBA from Harvard is stupid, but a Democrat who has not released any of his education records is the smartest President ever, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the Democrat with 11 years in elective office has more experience than the Republican with 12 years in elective office, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the experience of voting "present" 129 times, writing a second autobiography while in office, never holding an executive position and beginning a run for President just one year into a first Senate term is more impressive than being mayor of a city, oil & gas commissioner of a state that provides up to 20% of the country's oil and gas, and governor of that state while enjoying a 90% approval rating, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a presidential campaign revolving around "hope", "change" and "yes we can" is the mark of intellectual gravitas, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the man who called his own grandmother a "typical white person" has transcended race, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a $459 billion deficit under a Republican is irresponsible, but a $1,845 billion deficit under a Democrat is responsible, you might not be a Republican.
If you are against tax cuts, for more government spending, in favor of Kyoto and global warming treaties, for government-run health-care, are generally in favor of most things in the Democratic platform and against most things in the Republican platform, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the way to win votes is by imitating John McCain (who lost) and Arnold Schwartzenegger (who helped put California $21 billion in the red), but eschewing the examples of Ronald Reagan (who won twice, once with 49 states) and the Newt Gingrich congress (who won the House for the first time in 40 years), you might not be a Republican.
If you think the way to win more votes is to imitate the Democrat Congress, the most unpopular Congress in polling history, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a Democrat who made a $34,000 mistake on his taxes is the best man for the job of running the IRS and Treasury, you might not be a Republican.
If you think it is OK for a Democrat President to kill a wanted terrorist by dropping a cluster bomb on him and those around him, including civilian women and children, all without any kind of hearing or tribunal, but a crime for a Republican President to authorize that a terrorist be yanked by his shirt collar to learn how to avoid civilian deaths, you might not be a Republican.
If you switched parties from Republican to Independent (e.g., Jim Jeffords), or from Republican to Democrat (e.g., Arlen Specter), you might not be a Republican.
If you haven't publicly supported a Republican in over 20 years and you make a living criticizing Republicans in the New York Times, on CNN, etc., you might not be a Republican.
If you think Rush Limbaugh preaches hate and Jeremiah Wright doesn't, or that Wanda Sykes is funny but Ann Coulter isn't, you might not be a Republican.
If you supported, endorsed and voted for the Democrat for President, you might not be a Republican.
If you supported, endorsed and voted for the Democrat with the most liberal voting record in the Senate, even to the left of self-described socialist Bernie Sanders, you might not be a Republican.
If you refused to vote for the Republican, a war hero and former POW who had 26 years experience in Congress and one of the more liberal voting records among Republicans in the Senate , because he was too conservative, you might not be a Republican.
If you think we have nothing to learn politically from the Republican who won 49 states and the most electoral votes for President ever in US history, all just 25 years ago, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the trouble with the Republican who cosponsored McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform, McCain-Leiberman global warming legislation, and McCain-Kennedy comprehensive immigration reform is that he is too conservative, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the trouble with the Republican President who signed McCain-Feingold, supported McCain-Kennedy, championed and signed No Child Left Behind, championed and signed prescription coverage under Medicare and increased federal spending over President Clinton's levels across the board, is that he is too conservative, partisan and ideological, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a Republican with published SAT scores that imply an IQ of 125-130, or smarter than 95% of the population and in the range of Lincoln, Rousseau and Thackeray, and who graduated from Yale and then earned an MBA from Harvard is stupid, but a Democrat who has not released any of his education records is the smartest President ever, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the Democrat with 11 years in elective office has more experience than the Republican with 12 years in elective office, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the experience of voting "present" 129 times, writing a second autobiography while in office, never holding an executive position and beginning a run for President just one year into a first Senate term is more impressive than being mayor of a city, oil & gas commissioner of a state that provides up to 20% of the country's oil and gas, and governor of that state while enjoying a 90% approval rating, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a presidential campaign revolving around "hope", "change" and "yes we can" is the mark of intellectual gravitas, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the man who called his own grandmother a "typical white person" has transcended race, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a $459 billion deficit under a Republican is irresponsible, but a $1,845 billion deficit under a Democrat is responsible, you might not be a Republican.
If you are against tax cuts, for more government spending, in favor of Kyoto and global warming treaties, for government-run health-care, are generally in favor of most things in the Democratic platform and against most things in the Republican platform, you might not be a Republican.
If you think the way to win votes is by imitating John McCain (who lost) and Arnold Schwartzenegger (who helped put California $21 billion in the red), but eschewing the examples of Ronald Reagan (who won twice, once with 49 states) and the Newt Gingrich congress (who won the House for the first time in 40 years), you might not be a Republican.
If you think the way to win more votes is to imitate the Democrat Congress, the most unpopular Congress in polling history, you might not be a Republican.
If you think a Democrat who made a $34,000 mistake on his taxes is the best man for the job of running the IRS and Treasury, you might not be a Republican.
If you think it is OK for a Democrat President to kill a wanted terrorist by dropping a cluster bomb on him and those around him, including civilian women and children, all without any kind of hearing or tribunal, but a crime for a Republican President to authorize that a terrorist be yanked by his shirt collar to learn how to avoid civilian deaths, you might not be a Republican.
If you switched parties from Republican to Independent (e.g., Jim Jeffords), or from Republican to Democrat (e.g., Arlen Specter), you might not be a Republican.
If you haven't publicly supported a Republican in over 20 years and you make a living criticizing Republicans in the New York Times, on CNN, etc., you might not be a Republican.
If you think Rush Limbaugh preaches hate and Jeremiah Wright doesn't, or that Wanda Sykes is funny but Ann Coulter isn't, you might not be a Republican.
...
Randall Hoven is a former member of Dick Cheney's secret special death squad. He was involved in the assassinations of Lebanese Prime Minister Rafique Al Hariri and former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto, among others. He is ready to confess all, for a seven figure book deal. He can be reached at randall.hoven@gmail.com.
Randall Hoven is a former member of Dick Cheney's secret special death squad. He was involved in the assassinations of Lebanese Prime Minister Rafique Al Hariri and former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto, among others. He is ready to confess all, for a seven figure book deal. He can be reached at randall.hoven@gmail.com.
posted by jillosophy at 5/22/2009 12:53:00 PM
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